The neonatal unit is the scariest place I have ever been to. All the small babies fighting for their lives in incubators. 

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Maddie and Noah were in separate incubators, in separate critical care rooms, I didn’t know what questions to ask or how I was supposed to feel now; seeing my babies move, knowing that they were the little kicks I had been feeling in my tummy, it was crazy to see.

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I just remember feeling that the neonatal nurses will be able to fix them, and I had nothing to worry about, they were going to be fine.

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There was so many machines, constantly beeping, my heart was constantly in my throat.

 

 

The nurses had A3 sized charts they would use to keep track of everything to do with my babies - they had constant observations every 4 hours. I had to start expressing (liquid gold - best medicine a baby can have).

 

This is where I had a chance to speak to other mothers about their journey in neonatal and how far their babies had come. I had met one mother whose baby was born at the same gestation and same weight as Noah - her baby had been fighting for 6 weeks at the time Maddie and Noah were born.

 

 

This little baby gave me hope that it is possible that my babies could fight and win!

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As a few days went past, I was discharged from hospital. It felt horrible knowing I was going home after giving birth WITHOUT my babies.

 

 

It was felt strange, a sense of this cannot be real. The following morning Friday 17th November 2017, I woke up early and started getting ready to go to the hospital.

 

 

I got out the shower and had the dreaded phone call "You need to come to the hospital as soon as possible, Maddie is really poorly."

 

 

My heart sank. 

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I was making my way to the hospital thinking "this isn't it, she's just testing me, keeping me on my toes like children do."

 

 

I ran into the neonatal unit where I was told Maddie's bloods had become too acidic and that there was nothing more they could do to help her.

 

 

This was the end; my little girl was not going to make it.

 

 

At 5 days, Maddie grew her beautiful wings and became an angel. 

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I had to try and be strong for Noah, every day was a constant worry... would he follow his sister? I took this time to learn EVERYTHING on the chart, to know exactly what his observations needed to be.

 

 

Noah was doing fine; his oxygen requirement was low.

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Over the next few days, Noah started to show change, he did not like being handled; his requirements would fluctuate. I was told he has sepsis but they started the antibiotics just in time.

 

 

Slowly, Noahs oxygen reliance started creeping up. I prayed and prayed for him to get better, every minute of every day.

 

 

I was then told Noah had a collapsed lung. 

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Friday 24th November 2017. Noah took a turn for the worse, his oxygen requirement had hit 100%, the maximum requirement they could give - it was his choice to fight now.

 

 

I watched as the neonatal nurses manually resuscitated him, I watched them fight to save my little boy.

 

 

The nurses managed to stabilise him and I stayed at the hospital that night, praying he would turn it around. ​Saturday 25th November 2017. I was told Noah had emphysema, he was still at 100% oxygen requirement with no change during the night.

 

 

The nurses had one last option to try; a wobble ventilator - This is a ventilator the keeps the lungs open at a certain percentage to try and force the collapsed parts of his lungs to open... unfortunately this did not work.

 

 

I was told news I did not want to hear for the second time... he was not going to make it. I cuddled him until the very end.

 

 

At 13 days old, Noah also grew his beautiful wings, joined his sister and became an angel. 

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I got to meet my babies a lot earlier than expected, they came into the world and blessed my life more than anyone ever has.

 

 

I am still a mum, I am a mum of two beautiful angel babies. 

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This is my story, my perfect pregnancy which turned into my worst nightmare. ​